letter to a young teacher

Below is a very encouraging and insightful letter from one of my friends from Germany (who also happens to be a teacher) offering me some very much needed encouragement and grace during blue period.  Thank you N for taking the time to write, and I hope that this letter is also encouragement to all those trying to make it through the school year.  We're almost there.  And you're not alone.

I am happy to hear you're feeling better. I think school can be really hard for teachers in their first years. 
I had to do some lessons recently and some 7th graders were so much getting on my nerves. They did not listen to what I said, made jokes and tried how far they can go with me. The problem is that they know exactly that I am only there for training and not a "real" teacher who grades them. So they think they can do everything...
And even cute little 5th graders think like that. When I catched some of them during the break doing things they are not allowed to do, they really told me: "You're not a teacher. I don't need to do what you say." Hello??? Where's respect for older people? When I was this age and someone told me something like that I did so. No matter whether finished teacher or not...
So, I can totally understand you. Also in the first years I think they kind of test what they can do. Also, they don't know you're sitting hours at home planning lessons, grading exams or papers. They (and also many other people) think teachers have a lot of free time. They think teaching ends when one is out of school, but they don't know that home is where teaching starts and ends. And especially in the first years, when one does not have the routine yet, all one is doing is preparing lessons and so on. And it really sucks when other people do not appreciate that...
I also often think whether my choice to become a teacher was the right one. Sometimes I doubt and think maybe you should have become something else. I am afraid that my personality does not suit the job or ohter things. But when I am standing in front of the class and seeing that the pupils do some steps forward and are lucky with me, I think my choice was right. So I am sure "we can do it" ;-)

Well, this was longer than I expected. But I feel similar as regards this topic;-) So hope you are really using spring break to relax and to enjoy. Shopping is always good. B-)

teacher of the year

What's happened after Spring Break?  Am I still alive (a question I get asked frequently from my family and friends)?  How are things going?  In many ways I feel like a new teacher.  I'm laughing more at work, I don't dread going to school, I'm planning again, and I'm thinking about the next school year with hope and optimism. 

Being a new puppy mom has completely changed my life.  I can't imagine what my life will be like when I actually start having human children of my own.  Stella wakes me up in the morning, I'm walking a lot more in the neighborhood because of her, which has allowed me to meet my neighbors, and I'm home by 3 everyday.  My life doesn't revolve anymore around my work.  I'm forced to stop once in awhile, take a walk, play, laugh... in many ways Stella has helped me to regain my life back.  And she has also helped me to become a better teacher.  I'm not as tired, stressed out, irritated, cankerous, or emotionally unstable.  

I feel like I'm able to see my students for who they are and not what they've done (or not doing).  I've made some great friends at work (finally) that I joke with, share recipes with, and plan trivia nights with.  

When I got back to school my principal pulled me aside to ask if I was doing ok.  I was a little taken aback by this question because I didn't know what she was referring to.  I don't remember this, but she saw me the day before break and as she described, "I didn't know if I should talk to you, hug you, or send you home for the day.... you looked broken."  I started to get chocked up as she reminded me of my current state of mind prior to break.  I felt so lost and tired I admitted to her.  I didn't know what I was suppose to do as a teacher anymore.  I felt that I poured my heart out into this year's curriculum for my juniors and seniors and that it was constantly being spat on.  I looked at jobs in the corporate world where my talents would be better appreciated and where I would be left alone.  I was just so lost.

All I needed was a 10 day break and a 4 pound 12 week old puppy to help refocus me.  Coming back from break I've realized again that I'm a damn good teacher who's gift is in curriculum design.  I know how to teach... and how to teach really well.

Today as I was leaving a student who I did not know and who I have never seen before today stopped me between classes.  He told me that he had finished Watchmen last night and wanted to talk with me about it.  He explained that he heard from a girl that rides his bus that I was teaching Watchmen next week to my seniors.  Before I had to rush out of class, he says to me, "I hope that I have you as my teacher next year."  My mind went blank.  I didn't know how to respond.  I'm so used to hearing the complete opposite type of comments come from students.  I just said "I hope so" and left so the next class can use the classroom.  

Based on how this year went with my seniors I'm about 99.9% sure that I won't be teaching 12th grade again.  During my meeting with my principal where she basically asked if I was having a mental breakdown she also informed me that I will be teaching 9th grade next year.  I'm ecstatic.  I love the types of books that students read freshmen year like Romeo and Juliet, Catcher in the Rye, and other coming of age type books.  

I'm a little sad that I won't be teaching Watchmen again for awhile, but I'm thrilled that I won't be expected to teach jaded, chain-smoking, oversexed 12th graders any time soon.  Teacher of the year I am not, but I'm glad to be in a profession where I can impact so many young people to read, to love literature, to analyze for the implicit meaning, and to take a risk on themselves.

x

there's something about stella

On Sunday, on sort of a whim the bf and I bought a 12 week old puggle puppy.  I've always been a dog lover and since my beloved WeeWee passed away almost 3 years ago life hasn't quite felt the same.  You get used to having an animal needing you, loving you, counseling you so getting a dog, though a big decision, was an easy decision.

So everyone, say hello to Stella.

She's the light of my life and has brought such joy to my lonely, workoholic, and rut-stuck life.  In many ways she has made me a better teacher because she's reminded me how to both love and to not give a shit.  I carry pictures of her with me everywhere to remind me of this little blessing that waits for me at home.  When my kids drive me crazy, when I don't feel on top of my game, when my gas and heat have been turned off for 4 days in the apartment, and when the bf is busy with finals, I have Stella.

I just feel like I've gotten my groove back, and all due to an 8 pound puppy that snores while she sleeps and who likes to eat people's toes :)

i think i'll buy a magazine or two

Spring break has finally arrived.  And it could not have come at a better time.  I'm not going home as planned because my mother will be out of town visiting my sick grandmother, and so why would I ever chose to be home alone in SC when I can finally enjoy the City.  It feels soooooooooo good to have a break from teaching and to lounge around in my PJs and watch Oprah.

Anyway, Wednesday was not only the final day of school (before the break), but also the day report cards came out.  I think it's funny that the teachers are often as nervous about report cards as the students.  But it's safe to say that it's probably for different reasons.  We want to end our work week on a happy note and not with teenagers in our face angry or crying about their grades.  I purposefully gave report cards at the last possible minute and then shooed the kids out of the classroom on to their next class where that teacher can deal with the fall out.  Yeah, I 'm nice :)  

Though our school uses an online grading system some students are still shocked when they see their final grades.  I slinked around corners and classrooms just trying to make it out of the building without any awkward conversations with students.  I was found by some students and was approached with thank yous and apologies.  I couldn't believe it.  Was I being punked? Were the kids actually thanking me?  I was totally caught off guard by these random acts of kindness and thank yous and didn't know what to say.  

I don't know exactly how the kids feel about me (though I can imagine: mean, tough, obsessive compulsive, "doesn't let us smoke pot" (a direct quote)...) but I know I'm not as loved as the other teachers... I'm new and different, I get it... it'll take time. My form of compassion comes from tough love, which is new for most of the kids but some get me.  At the end of the day my methods work and students that aren't "Englishy" (that's edu-talk for: Kids who don't like English) can do just as well as kids who love English in my class if they trust me and do what I assign and ask them to do.  On Wednesday they saw that.  

It was nice to end the school week on a sweet note.  Now that I'm on Spring Break my to-do list is a mile long.  I want to start writing again, clean the apt. more often, learn some new dishes, read, read, and read, buy magazines un-school related and sit a coffee shop and lose myself in the glossy pages.  

Oh, and as you can probably see... I've changed the  name of my blog... a product of finally having free time :) 

my splash award

Hey everyone,

Guess what? My little fledging blog has been "splashed" with an award nomination.  Thanks to Claudia at TBoH for nominating my blog.  The Splash Award is given to alluring, amusing, bewitching, impressive, and inspiring blogs.  

this day too shall pass

So I've survived Friday.  I feel like I've just barely survived a hurricane.  I woke up Friday morning with my apartment turned upside down and exhausted.  But like most storms, the most beauty and light usually follows.  It just so happened that Friday was also the day that grades were due.  After I had a talk with my 1st period class and once I submitted my grades for the third quarter life started to feel back on track.  

I laughed.  I ran in the rain.  I sang.  I ate a good lunch.  I left early.  And I went to the English teacher's sanctuary- the bookstore.  There's something about standing in the middle of thousands of books that exhilarates me.  To my right there's Proust the neuroscientist, to my left is the Twilight series with a gaggle of teenage girls, behind me is a writer speaking about his latest labor of love and in front of me is a Jane Austen display.  When I was a little girl I used books to teleport me to other dimensions and worlds.  As an adult, I teach literature, but I often forget to also get my own fix.  

Yesterday I bought two Anne Faidman books (Ex Libris and Rereadings) and The Hottentot Venus by Barbara Chase-Riboud.  Now that I'm not as emotionally drained and fatigued I'm able to think somewhat clearly.  I miss writing, I miss reading, I miss Friday nights with the girls, I miss going to the salon on a regular basis, I miss shopping and getting dressed up, I miss me.  I need to constantly channel who I am in order to avoid getting swept away in turbulence that life brings with it.  

My boyfriend met up with me at the bookstore once he got off work.  We walked along side Riverside park gazing at the beautiful old historic Upper West side mansions and brownstones, talking, and examining the dogs that we came across (in the process of getting a dog).  On our walk we came across a statue that I have never seen before in the neighborhood and that stood out between the old European buildings.  It was a statue of a Chinese person that survived the atomic bomb attacks in Hiroshima and was shipped to New York in 1955 as a symbol of strength, endurance, and world peace.  

I saw myself in that statue, and the possible future that I can have because I survived some of the biggest challenges in my life.  I still don't know what I will do, but for now I need to stay in New York and sort myself out.  I need to stop running away when things get tough and learn from the uncomfortable times and the hard times.

april blues

I was reminded today by my good friend who teaches in an independent school in Dallas that April's the hardest month for teachers.  I don't know why, but it is.  Or at least it was for us.  This time last year I had to avoid bridges all together for fear that my melancholy would overcome me and I would jump into the East River.  It's only 3 days into April and I find myself not only avoiding bridges, but also sharp objects.  

Today marked one of the worst days in my professional career.  I'm not at the point where I can really talk about it because the tears are still coming.  I'm sitting in the quiet of my studio with only the hum of my Mac to lull me.  I'm too tired to keep fighting.  Why does teaching have to be a fight?  

When I finally arrived home at around 7 tonight I realized that I left my house keys in my desk at work.  Too hurt, angry, and tired, I couldn't do anything but sit outside and wait for my boyfriend to bring me my spare keys.  As I sat on the front stoop of my building my mind couldn't help but drift in and out of what happened today and yesterday.  

I called my brother, asking him if it would be ok to quit and come home.  Would he, would everyone else, think less of me if I decided not to fight but fly away instead?  Always the pragmatist, he asked me questioned I didn't know the answers to:  Where would you live? How much will you make?  Do you have enough saved up to move?  Is it the school you don't like or just New York?  

My only response was : "I don't know."  All my possible answer bleed into each other.  I'm unhappy in a city with no family around, with my close friends scattered across the globe, and with a job that loves me just as much as it hates me.  I don't know what will make me happy at this point other than several strong drinks, and a vacation hundreds of miles away from New York City where my blackberry doesn't work and where parents can't find me.  

I have two months left, but I don't know how I can face tomorrow.  I've received several apology emails from my students tonight, but at this point I'm numb and can't accept or deny an apology.  I don't want to wake up tomorrow to teach.  Teaching is a real profession that demands respect.  I've spent years of my life studying literature and teaching, I've spent thousands of dollars to follow what I've loved, and I sleep less than 8 hours a day so that my students can have my best, but it's becoming clear to me that all this is in vain.

Last night was one of my best nights as a teacher.  I was invited to come share my experiences as a teacher with several other teachers from all over the city and with various years in the profession.  I felt that spark again when I was with my colleagues in the front of the class sharing our best practices.  I felt proud to say that as a young teacher I've done some damn good things in the classroom (as well as some very stupid things).  None of my gripes or woes came up as I spoke, only the blessings of teachings.

Why did I do that?  Was I being real?  Was I trying to protect the "teacher image" that you can do it all, look good, and still have time to write articles for ReadWriteThink?  I believe I was being honest...

Spring break is 8 days away.  I need this time off to clear my head and think about what I need to be happy and sane again.  Do I need to start looking for a new school?  Should I consider other career options?  Is moving home a possibility?  Should I keep up the ramblers lifestyle and pick a new city to live?  

I promise that my next post will be more upbeat :)  

Ms. P