Today marked one of the worst days in my professional career. I'm not at the point where I can really talk about it because the tears are still coming. I'm sitting in the quiet of my studio with only the hum of my Mac to lull me. I'm too tired to keep fighting. Why does teaching have to be a fight?
When I finally arrived home at around 7 tonight I realized that I left my house keys in my desk at work. Too hurt, angry, and tired, I couldn't do anything but sit outside and wait for my boyfriend to bring me my spare keys. As I sat on the front stoop of my building my mind couldn't help but drift in and out of what happened today and yesterday.
I called my brother, asking him if it would be ok to quit and come home. Would he, would everyone else, think less of me if I decided not to fight but fly away instead? Always the pragmatist, he asked me questioned I didn't know the answers to: Where would you live? How much will you make? Do you have enough saved up to move? Is it the school you don't like or just New York?
My only response was : "I don't know." All my possible answer bleed into each other. I'm unhappy in a city with no family around, with my close friends scattered across the globe, and with a job that loves me just as much as it hates me. I don't know what will make me happy at this point other than several strong drinks, and a vacation hundreds of miles away from New York City where my blackberry doesn't work and where parents can't find me.
I have two months left, but I don't know how I can face tomorrow. I've received several apology emails from my students tonight, but at this point I'm numb and can't accept or deny an apology. I don't want to wake up tomorrow to teach. Teaching is a real profession that demands respect. I've spent years of my life studying literature and teaching, I've spent thousands of dollars to follow what I've loved, and I sleep less than 8 hours a day so that my students can have my best, but it's becoming clear to me that all this is in vain.
Last night was one of my best nights as a teacher. I was invited to come share my experiences as a teacher with several other teachers from all over the city and with various years in the profession. I felt that spark again when I was with my colleagues in the front of the class sharing our best practices. I felt proud to say that as a young teacher I've done some damn good things in the classroom (as well as some very stupid things). None of my gripes or woes came up as I spoke, only the blessings of teachings.
Why did I do that? Was I being real? Was I trying to protect the "teacher image" that you can do it all, look good, and still have time to write articles for ReadWriteThink? I believe I was being honest...
Spring break is 8 days away. I need this time off to clear my head and think about what I need to be happy and sane again. Do I need to start looking for a new school? Should I consider other career options? Is moving home a possibility? Should I keep up the ramblers lifestyle and pick a new city to live?
I promise that my next post will be more upbeat :)
Ms. P
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2 comments:
Hey, Miss P! I have a friend who's a NYC Teaching Fellow and she recently rejoiced when called up for jury duty...you're not alone in feeling so frustrated and burnt out. I wish I had some great advice to give, but the best I can say is, don't make a decision when you're feeling low. Maybe take a personal day, then go back to work and use the spring break to think through your options. New York isn't an easy city--I moved here 15 years ago, and though I'm not generally a "joiner," made myself join some groups so I could gradually build community. Do you have things outside your job that bring you joy? Don't let the job define you entirely. You sound like a dedicated teacher, so cut yourself some slack--we all have less than stellar days--but don't despair!
I am in my fourth year as a teacher and I must admit that some things get easier but having to convince children to learn does not. It is very frustrating. As Zetta stated, I suggest that you take the break to think about what you want to do. Maybe a new school would be a good change? I find that I think about my good students and they get me to work and give up my free time to plan. I am nearly at the end of my 4th year and I haven't been able to figure it out. I still feel like I sacrifice myself for my students and I end the year knowing that July and August are not enough to renew myself. Talk to the more experienced teachers--they are a good resource--if anything their advice can help you through the week, if not the day. I'm sorry I couldn't be more encouraging.
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